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You are Responsible for What You Do and What You Don’t Do.

Filed Under: Business Musings

What chronic situation in your life are you complaining about routinely but not doing anything about? 

I had a conversation this week that I’ve had many times before. A good friend came to me with the same gripe I’ve heard for the last ten years, “XYZ won’t quit doing this incredibly annoying behavior and it’s ruining my life. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to see them socially and I hate my life.”

Wow, “I hate my life” is a pretty powerful statement. That’s a lot of power to give over to someone else.

The conversation didn’t end well. I pointed out, as I have for the last decade, that they have a CHOICE in how they are going to act and react to this person. I said what many wiser teachers before me have said: in a relationship, you have 100% responsibility for the relationship. You cannot control the other person. You can only control yourself and your actions and reactions in any given situation.

The conversation got heated. I feel so strongly about the concept of “Take 100% responsibility for your life” that I get worked up when I see people close to me in pain because they’re not living by this principle.

  • You chose to eat the last Twinkie. Every day. For the last 15 years. Now you’re obese. That’s not the food industry’s fault.
  • You chose to have that last drink at the bar. Every Wednesday. For the lats 10 years. Now you’ve gotten your license taken away for your 3rd DUI in 10 years. That’s not the bar’s fault.
  • You chose to buy the big house knowing you’d have to vacuum 6 rooms and clean 4 toilets. Every week. For the last 5 years. Now you’re feeling like you don’t have enough quality time with your family. That’s not the house’s fault.
I was in Seattle yesterday, dealing with their horrendous traffic. But, in sharp contrast to some of the drivers around me, my blood pressure was stable. I had prepared for the traffic by packing a book on tape, stopping at the store to get 3 different healthy snacks and had a full bottle of water. All around me, you could see tempers flaring as the traffic stressed and entire commute worth of drivers out. We were all in the same chronic situation – yet some of us were happy and others were downright angry and miserable. How you act and react to situations is a choice. Listen to yourself for the next week. Are you routinely complaining about something? What can YOU do to change? How can YOU control your reaction so that the situation or the person isn’t taking up so much space in your head?
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81 Comments

  1. I agree! Being a victim is definitely not my idea of living a full life OR having a good time. =)

    Sadly, we see so many representations in the media of those in charge not taking responsibility for their actions and I wonder about the trickle-down effect of that on our youth growing up and watching the excuses continually.

  2. I couldn’t agree more. We are responsible for our actions. When did we stop thinking this was so? If we blame every one else, then we are the victim. Do we really want to live our lives as the victim?

  3. Oooh, I’ve heard of that book! After you read it, let me know if you’d
    recommend it as something for me to read …

  4. Thanks. Yes, it was bold. Perhaps a bit but I think necessary. Your post really lingered with me. This person is a mere acquaintance so perhaps it was easy as I was not emotionally invested, but within the context of our school community it of course can be rocky – but I’m okay with it. Your comment about a difficult conversation reminds me of a book I have on my shelf that I received at my last company – Fierce Conversations.

  5. Wow, that was brave of you! I definitely took a hard line this last time with the individual and was more forceful than I usually am. Keep me posted on how it goes. It is very difficult to have that conversation and not be perceived as a ‘bad’ friend/co-worker.

  6. I’m so glad I read this post and tweeted it out. It was fresh on my mind and I subscribe to your perspective on this. And sadly this woman at my kids school spotted me and wanted to say ‘hello’ – not within seconds she was back discussing how much she hates her job. I think I’ve heard her story for the last 2 years. She went on and on making it seem like all her woes were based on everyone elses in-competencies. Management was manipulating things to target people to leave, issues of harassment as well. This was a woman full of anger <not fearful=”” her=”” necessarily=”” of=”” situation=”” someone=”” was=”” who=””>. I think most people have been polite enough to listen to her and this time I think she was shocked to have someone stop her in her tracks. ME! I just said ‘you have choices’ – ‘what are you doing to fix your circumstance’ – ‘you have choices’ I said again. ‘Ones that may be uncomfortable but you have them! LEAVE if you don’t like it. Change your mindset on the situation but STOP directing your discourse on the behavior of others’. Thankfully a friend walked up and I turned and then said ‘Check in with me in 6 months if your story has changed’. I was polite but certainly would not let her say anymore about it. It was cathartic to actually express this. Like you a snack and book or pen/paper always within an arms reach away ;+}</not>

  7. I definitely think you’re right; it does seem like lately CEO’s of all types seem to be blaming everyone else for the company’s problems or their ethics problems. You’re definitely right on with your insight.

  8. I love this! I am a strong believer in recognizing then accepting responsibility for your issues, it seems nowadays more than ever before people like to blame others or businesses for their choices. How are you ever going to learn how to fix your problem if you can’t take responsibility for it? Thanks for your thoughts!!

  9. Give yourself a break. Patterns and habits are hard to break. If there is just one little tiny thing you can do on a daily or weekly basis, even that’s a start. Great things are achieved by just taking one step at a time, no matter how seemingly small that step seems. =)

  10. LOL! True true. In this case, it’s a relationship that has many positives that definitely outweigh the one negative.

  11. Hiddy, I love to read. In fact, my parents had to ban books at the dinner table because I loved it so much when I was growing up. That hasn’t changed as an adult. =)

    My #1 author I always start my friends out on is:

    “The Success Principles” by Jack Canfield
    Followed by, “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Covey
    Followed by, “The Four Agreements”
    Followed by (tough call on this one!), “The Compound Effect” by Darren Hardy
    Followed by “The Answer” by John Assaraff

    That should get you started. “The Success Principles” is a GREAT tool **if** you do the bulk of the exercises in the book so don’t short yourself and just read it. Really do the exercises and examine them, work at them and invest them time. That book was the most life-changing book for me and I re-read it yearly. If anyone else has other thoughts, chime in. I love to add to my reading list too!

  12. Thank you, Anne-Marie! You’re awesome, thanks so much for sharing this! It’s so easy to just let yourself go into the downward spiral and blame someone else, but so much harder to take responsibility for our own reactions. That is so true. Can you please recommend some of your favorite authors and books on personal development? I love reading and I would love to get started on reading on something useful that might actually help me in life 🙂

  13. The irony in this situation is delicious. It’s been your choice to listen to this person complain for the last 10 years about the same thing. YOU “have 100% responsibility for the relationship” the way it stands.

  14. I’m sure all of us do know people who are only happy when they are miserable. I have a neighbor who calls almost daily (and has done for almost 10 years) and always has the same complaints. My new approach is to tell her I believe she has a choice. It’s up to her to accept the roles she plays with her family, the ruts and patterns she is in, or to change them. It is very hard to see people we care about choosing misery when other options are always there! Thank you for such a thoughtful post.

  15. I am so guilty of giving power to someone for the last 20 years of my life. And I know better, but still do it. And I don’t know why.

  16. I would absolutely recommend books written by Richard Carlson and his wife. They’ve written the “don’t sweat the small stuff” books that have become so popular. I think more people should read his work… you cannot walk away from one of his books without feeling you have the power to create your own reality, whether that means being healthy as oppose to unhealthy, happy or unhappy, successful or not successful, etc.. You often do posts that remind me so much of his writing 🙂

  17. Oh, that is such a tough situation to be in! You’re right – you can only be in control over your emotions and how you deal with the fallout of the decision. I hope it works out in your favor. Fingers crossed. Nice use of the word ‘ennui.’ I don’t think I’ve seen that one for a while! =))

  20. Migraines are such a difficult thing. My Mom suffered from them when I was younger (probably a ten year period?) and is migraine free now but still travels with her knock-you-out narcotics. So, maybe there is hope for you? I sure hope that’s the case at least!

    I haven’t allowed myself an Oreo in yearrrrrrs. They are SO good that I don’t if I could possibly stop at just one package. LOL! =)

    The ‘I’m so fat’ one is hard for me too, probably because I am so draconian with my calorie watching (well, except the cupcakes weekly! LOL!) =)

  21. I haven’t yet! Would you recommend them?

    I always say “Happiness is a choice!” to my sweet husband if he wakes up in a bad mood. =)

  22. Oooh, that is no good. Are you close enough that you can go visit?

    Start thinking about the learning lesson here too – definitely be using this as a learning lesson if you can possibly stomach it yet. =)

  23. I love that you have your children go through all the choices they could or can make in any situation. That’s a brilliant parenting technique for me to learn from!

    I agree; it’s sad my friend is hurting but they do make small changes over time (starting counseling, starting a yoga practice, talking about journaling etc…) so eventually all of those things will help them turn a corner in how they act and react to the negative and painful situation they feel stuck in.

  24. It is hard to see other people in pain because they’ve internalized the wrong message(s) about creating your future and taking full responsibility for your actions. Some of the great teachers that I’ve read, Jack Canfield for one, preach this concept as a very basic building block and his book, “The Success Principles” is a great one to share with others struggling with these ideas.

  25. Anne-Marie, I wish everyone would read this post, everything you say is so right. I am a firm believer in making choices and I apply this to my own happiness. It’s sad to see many people unhappy and expecting others to make them happy or bring them happiness, too bad they can’t see it the way you do. I am so glad you posted this message, it’s downright fantastic!

  26. This is a great post on many levels. I’m sorry to hear that your friend is hurting, and that he or she is not heeding your advice. Sometimes, it takes a while for things to sink in. You planted seeds, and even though hurtful, I’m guessing that they will take root over time and begin to grow. Either way, you did what you had the power to do, and that’s enough.

    (10 years is a long time to have the same gripe. It’s time to change yourself when that happens, and stop relying on other people or the world to change to accommodate you. That’s what I think anyway.)

    I have this conversation with my kids. Each frequently says that the other “made me” do something he or show knows is not acceptable to do. I quietly remind them that no one can make them no anything, and that if they did something, it was because they chose to do that thing, and they chose not to do something else. I remind them that they have options, and then we spend a few minutes listing those options just to make the point. I want them to know they have the power of choice, and that the split seconds between an event and how they respond to it, are often the most important split seconds of life.

    Again, great post, and I’ll say a prayer for your friend, and that your longstanding relationship can flourish despite this confrontation.

  27. Yes, I’ve heard sooo many excuses thus far. I’m feeling very taken advantage of, discouraged, angry and all sorts of other things! LOL! I’m sure that if someone came into their stores and walked out with product without paying, they’d take issue!

    In one case I’ve e-mailed and called multiple times, the other I’ve called at least 4 times and have even sent a paypal invoice (which they requested) and they’ve been ignoring that too. Grrr.

  28. Anne-Marie, I’ve tried to teach my children about self-control and responsibility since they were old enough to have any. 🙂 My son is 6 yo and sometimes he “gets” it and sometimes he doesn’t. My daughter is 9 yo and I’m seeing more and more maturity in how she handles her emotions. I tell her it’s okay and normal to have “knee-jerk” emotions about something, but it’s important to think those feelings through before acting on them and letting them have power over you. Just like any skill, it takes practice. Melissa J. is right…if your child sees you practicing self-control, then he/she will have that as a guide.

  29. You must have read a few of Richard Carlsons books 😉 I know I have. Great post AM! I remind my kids daily that everything in life, aside from their sex and their race, is a choice. One chooses to be happy or unhappy as well. Choices, choices, choices, it is what life is all about.

  32. so true. We must make thoughtful choices.
    I suffer migraines, so I must always drink plenty of water and eat (at least snack all day healthily). I can not drink alcoholic beverages anymore. Do I miss being reckless with red wine and full packages of Oreos? Yes. Do I want to pay for it for 3 days after? I think not. I will pass on the wine.

    Thoughtful choices.

    I am also tired of the “I’m so fat!” as he or she reaches for the fried chicken and butter mashed potatoes…. eat it, but zip it.

    O.O

  34. Very appropriate post for my week. I have been feeling bad all week because at work I am directly involved in the outcome of a decision but not involved at all in that decision’s creation process. I have been alternating through anger and ennui. Now I will take control of what I can control and accept what I cannot control. Thanks!

  36. Venting is totally acceptable for a short term thing. In fact, I think that’s how many people bond. And when you find yourself venting about the same thing year after year, it’s time to turn the mirror on yourself and say “Hm, what’s my culpability in this? Where can I change things and take myself out of the situation/whatever a new solution is?”

  38. I’m so sorry that you had such a terrible experience as a child and did not have anywhere to turn. No one should have to go through that and feeling unsupported by your Mom must have been awful.

    My point in the blog post is that you can never control what other people do to you but you can control how you react and act, what your feelings are and how much baggage you choose to carry with you through your life. You did the best you could under the circumstances and you should be commended for coming out on the other end with grace.

  39. I totally agree; sometimes my reaction is like a runaway freight train. It starts and then it’s very hard to stop. And I know I sound like a lunatic but I just keep going! Thankfully, those instances are getting fewer and fewer with more time in between as I continue to read amazing books, do yoga and surround myself with absolute buddha-like people in my life. =)))

  40. Excellent point, Anne-Marie! I have tried to follow this principle most of my life and it lends itself to calm, serenity and enjoyment of life no matter what one is dealing with. It is so much easier to learn and explore this world if one starts from a point of “I am the one in control of my actions and reactions, no one else”. Venting is acceptable but just once and it must be short.

  51. It’s hard because kids live so “in the moment”, that it is hard for them to see beyond it to the bigger picture. I have this conversation almost on a daily basis with my kiddo and I can see that he gets it while we are talking, but for him to be able to always apply it in that moment is hard for him. But we are our kids first and most important teachers! And when you are stuck in Seattle traffic with little Bramble Baby, he/she will be learning this principle by watching how YOU handle yourself. And while it may not seem like it is sinking in at the time…it is!!

  52. Catherine, I have this same conversation with my 9 year old son and I remind him almost everyday.

  54. Every day at the end of morning announcements the principal says to the kids, “Make it a good day….or not. The choice is yours.” So true. I recently “unfriended” somebody on Facebook because of this very thing. Yes, I can empathize with her struggles, because I have had my own, but I got really tired of the mini pity parties on a daily basis with her.

  55. That seems a bit black-or-white. I’m of the belief that frequently, all your options suck.

    For instance, when I was a teenager, I was molested for a time by a family member. My options were avoid him, which proved difficult because he’s family and he kept taking stuff that he knew I would need so I’d have to seek him out to get these things back, like textbooks when I had homework to do or my coat in the wintertime. I couldn’t fight him off or really even resist because he was much stronger than me. I could have run away from home, I suppose, but being 15 and homeless wasn’t really ideal either. I could’ve told my family, but I suspected they’d react unfavorably, and they did when I told them some years later. My mom told me to keep quiet about it to avoid making waves, and my dad told me pretty much that it was my fault and I should’ve known better, which is about on par with what I’d expected. So I kept quiet and just coped as best I could.

    Obviously, that’s a choice I made, and of the options I had at the time, I absolutely don’t regret choosing it, but it doesn’t make being a teenager and being touched in a creepy and immensely inappropriate way by your cousin less unpleasant. It just means it could be worse.

    I don’t believe the choices people make in life boil down to cause and effect. I believe the choices people make in life are about balancing outcomes to avoid the worst-case scenario. Sometimes you have to take the bad to avoid the worse, but it doesn’t make the bad less bad. So maybe your friend just prefers venting to you over looking unprofessional at work and petty and rude at social gatherings for refusing to tolerate this person.

  56. Thanks for this. I try to live by this rule but sometimes a little reminder helps get me back on track!

  57. Thank you very much! Sometimes you need to tell it like it is. Now please don’t tell me that you honestly put up with listening to this same gripe for 10 years without putting a stop to it long ago? If so, tell them you will only listen to NEW gripes. 🙂 That way you don’t get all worked up. Remember, you have to make choices in a relationship, too. I have a new gripe only rule with my family/friends, unless the telling of the gripe is embellished and made more interesting/funnier over time, I will only listen a maximum of 5 times per gripe. LOL.

  58. Great reminder, I’ve been trying to live this daily and taking control more.

    My current complaint is getting wholesale customers to pay on time. Everything else I can control. Although, two of them won’t be happy when they try to place another order and they discover that I will not be extending them credit anymore. I can at least control that!

  60. Agree! Take the baby step now to change whatever situation in your life is frustrating you. Little steps lead to amazing things over time …

  62. I was watching Dr Phil and he said something like “people treat you bad because you let them” If you don’t like your friends, your job, or your relationship change it!

  63. If you just drop 150 calories from your diet daily, you’ll lose one pound ever 23 days. And 150 calories isn’t really noticeable – it’s half a candy bar, half an ounce of cheese, half a slice of bread – not so much that you’ll notice it daily but enough so that at the end of the year, you’ll notice those missing 15 pounds! =) Little steps make a huge difference in the end and the nice thing about little steps is that they don’t feel like much effort.

  64. Thank you! I’ve tried to drill this into my kids – but they have so far chosen to ignore me so I’m trying lead by example. Its challenging at times to see where my reaction starts and the situation begins – especially after I’ve started to react poorly. We do try to encourage my son to stop, take a few yoga breaths (or ‘Yoda breaths’ as he calls them) and then react.

    Not much gets me upset anymore – except when I know exactly what I need to change and can find no clear path to change it. Oh well – I’ll be wiser when the opportunity comes around. =)

  65. And then they get caught in this unhappiness cycle where they actually are emotionally charged when they are venting, gossiping and complaining and they don’t realize that the “good” feelings they’re getting from that are not serving their ultimate goal of happiness and contentment. I think we all know people that have had that happen to them and watching them stay stuck is painful. =(

  66. A Twinkie without cream is pointless! I had to run out and buy those Twinkies just for the shoot today and the partially eaten one, well, I had to try one (after not having one for 20 plus years). Man, they were bad! I licked all the cream off the inside and threw the “cake” away. Ick! The rest of the staff were thrilled to have the rest of the box. =)

  67. This is all completely true. Thing is, I think we all need a reminder once in a while – at least I do. I’ll complain that I can’t fit into half my clothes and then eat that Twinkie. I had one the other night, in fact. It’s time to buckle down & take charge. Thanks for the kick in the pants.

  68. Uh oh, did someone sue McDonald’s again? Aren’t people like that something else? I’ve spent my life watching people like this and tried to learn from them. Like you, I prepare for when I know I’ll be in traffic (or even when there’s a chance) because that’s the one thing that really fries my waffles. A fully charged mp3 player, water and snacks are key. I do as much as I can to make the temp in the car pleasing, and I forget about what I can’t control.

    Also, your twinkie pictures made me laugh. A few years ago I bought a box of twinkies and NONE of them had cream in them. Not a one. Creepy right?

  69. Do your kids listen and understand that? Since we’re pregnant, I am definitely listening to other people on how to best instill these types of “adult” thoughts into tiny brains. =)

  70. I totally agree. In fact, there’s a new book out, “The Compound Effect” that says that VERY thing. Basically, the book’s point is that small incremental daily changes don’t feel like much but in the end, they’re all that matters. 150 calories extra per day is 31 pounds in a few years. When you think about it, 150 extra calories is half of a pop, it doesn’t seem like a big deal but taken over the long term, it ends up being a very big deal. You have a great point.

  72. I’m a subscriber to Audible.com and get 2 books per month for my iPod. It’s fantastic for working out to as well. It really helps the hours on a drive or the hour in the gym go by quickly.

  73. Totally agree with you about being upset. One of my favorite phrases is “Happiness is a choice.” It sounds silly but we all control our reactions and emotions. I fly off the handle just as much as the next person but each time, I try to be aware of the fact that I have a choice to do so. I read a lot and almost every personal development book starts with this basic concept. After all, if you think you’re powerless, then why bother reading a personal development book? =)

  74. And blaming others just keeps you in the same situation that you’re in. It may feel good at the time but isn’t a productive choice.

  75. Great post. I am a strong believer of this also. So many people give their power away to people and situations, and hold a grudge/complaint for so long, when they don’t realise the only thing making them miserable is themselves!

  76. I agree with you. You always have the choices of “this” or “not this”. Blaming others do not work.

  77. Absolutely, 100% true. No one has ever upset me – I allowed them to upset me. I don’t complain about jobs – it’s my choice to work there. If I don’t like it, I find something better. I’ve been married to my husband for 40 years because I promised him I would stay and because I want to stay. I believe in responsibility and accountability. You’re a very astute young woman.

  78. Im totally agree with you ! and i really love this principle….Btw what a great idea to pack a book on tape!!! … i will get some for me, so i could learn something when Im middle of the traffic.

  79. Am I crazy? I enjoy Seattle traffic.. maybe it’s because I knew what I was getting into before I left? When you use such long term analogies (.. the next 10 years) it’s hard for people to see past their shortsightedness into the long-term consequences, don’t you think? Of course this doesn’t apply into continued behavior, after they realized the consequences of their actions. That’s the bitter pill of responsibility they need to swallow.

  80. Anne-Marie thank you for this reminder….we are all completely responsible for ourselves, our lives and they way we respond (react) to external circumstances.

  81. AMEN! I’m always telling my children the same things. You can’t control what other people do, but you can control how you choose to react and how much power you’re going to let them have over your emotions.