I attended the Whatcom Women in Business event a few weeks back (congratulations to Lydia Place director for the win). The question they asked all the nominees was: “What advice would you give your younger self?” There were some funny responses (“Dump that guy!“) and some serious responses (“Study harder. It makes a difference.“) All of the answers were interesting. Then, I saw Cupcakes & Cashmere’s post and got inspired to do my own. To be clear, I am thankful for every twisted turn and every difficult thing that has ever happened to me because it led me here, with a life, a family and a business I love. Even with that gratitude firmly in place, there are still lessons learned to share with others to hopefully save some pain and shortcut a few of those learning lessons.
Making melt and pour back in the day. =)
Advice to my 20 year old self:
1.) You are the sum total of the 5 people you spend the most time with. I had a lot of friends in my 20s. Some of them I’m still best friends with today and find value and inspiration in their company. And some of them drifted away as we grew apart. There’s one friend who I loved binge watching DVDs of 90210 with while eating Doritos and Oreos. We never got out of our sweatpants. I outgrew this phase. If you don’t want to be turn into the habit, quit hanging out with the person that enables the habit. Hang out with people who drive you to be better, who you admire and who lead lives that you would be proud to trade with. Go outside, take the sweatpants off and make some new friends.
2.) Fuel your body for the life you want to lead in the future. Having energy that is consistent and reliable and being able to bounce out of bed happily is a result of a clear-head and a healthy body. Nutrition is the base a successful life is built upon. You can’t work toward goals if you’re too tired to get out of bed or if your body is aching because of the extra weight you’re putting on your joints. If I could go back and do it again, I would immerse myself in the nutrition information coming out of the Slow Food, Whole30, and Vegan movements of the last 10 years. Books like “The Calorie Myth,” “Crazy Sexy Diet,” “Bulletproof Diet” and Michael Pollen’s brilliant synopsis (Eat food, not too much, mostly plants) are how I live my life now. I wish I had started earlier.
3.) Tip generously. I know you think you can’t afford it, but the person who is serving you also can’t afford it. By virtue of you eating there, you can afford it more. So tip 20%. And the bellboy at the hotel? Tip him a couple bucks. And the person who drops you off from the shuttle bus at the airport, tip her also. You won’t miss the $2 in the end, but that $2 will make a big difference in that person’s life. Also, giving feels good. Studies show that giving makes you happy. Start that attitude of gratitude now.
4.) It’s okay to reach out. Sometimes, it feels like everyone is having fun without you. And you know what? They probably are. So put yourself out there. Send a text. Call someone. Invite a friend to a show you want to go see. Don’t sit around and wait for life to happen to you. Make the effort. Be okay with rejection. Strengthen your social bonds deliberately. PS: People with good friends also are happier. Call or text a friend today.
5.) Read more than everyone else to outpace everyone else. Learning is the key to doing extraordinary things. No one starts out knowing how to run a company, travel the world or be a great long-distance runner. There are people who have done this however, and they’ve been so successful they’ve written a book about that. It turns out that many people have written many books about the very subject you’re curious about and the very areas you want to excel in. Read those books. Put them to practice. Improve yourself by learning more and by learning faster. While you’re at it, turn off the TV.
6.) Meditation is the key. I’ve always had The Monkey Brain (you know, that voice that doesn’t turn off, that frantic energy, the bouncing leg, the inability to sit still for a lecture). It’s been with me as long as I can remember. I’ve worked with it to tame it into submission in different ways over the years with varying degrees of success. If only I found meditation earlier. The first 30 days of morning meditation, I white-knuckled the 20 minutes every morning. It was HARD to sit there. I didn’t like it. It didn’t feel like it was making a difference. And then, after the first 30 days, I noticed a difference in my emotional equilibrium. I was strangely … calmer. I cared less about things that really didn’t matter in the end. The zen was very apparent when our house blew up. We moved our family of four 5 times in 3 months. And I stayed focused, positive and yes, even calm. I wish I found meditation earlier. Credit to my dad for pointing out that a big glass of red wine wasn’t the only way to calm down after a stressful day, coupled with my Mastermind Group doing the Oprah 21 day Meditation Challenge.
7.) To do what others can’t, you have to do what others won’t. Success doesn’t happen by accident. It doesn’t happen by sitting on a couch or by skipping the homework. Success happens with tiny incremental amounts of daily effort. The slog. The boring struggle. That’s what produces success. This means you need to get up earlier, be more disciplined. And it means turning down the late night party so you can get a good night’s sleep and get up early the next day to work out. Or not buying the latest, greatest color of skinny jeans that came out so you can invest that $70. You name it, success is often about delaying gratification; something that many people struggle with. Good news though; willpower is a muscle. You can get better at it through practice.
8.) Hard work isn’t the same as peak performance. Working long hours isn’t a badge of honor if you’re not efficient. Sleep enough so that you make the most of your work day. Work out so that you can be focused for long stretches of time. Get rid of distractions so you batch your time. Multi-tasking is a myth. We all do it but it turns out we don’t do it well. If you find yourself reading the same sentence over and over again, or struggling to do a focus-based task, take a walk, take a nap or, just call it a night and start over the next day.
9.) Don’t take it personally; it’s not personal. No one is thinking about you. Quit thinking they are. They’re all too worried about their own situation. So when you think someone has insulted you, not only did they probably not insult you, but they’ve most likely moved onto other things. Don’t let them take you down a notch by distracting you or living rent-free in your head. Move on to the next thing and focus on how you’re going to reach your next goal.
With good friends Shandel Slaten (True Life Coaching) and author/entrepreneur Bob Pritchett
There are many things that I look back and wish I had done differently. But, I think of where I’m at in my life, who I hang out with, who I’m married to and my kids and realize that every single thing that seemed to go ‘wrong’ was a step on the path to now. It’s sobering; it’s freeing and exciting all at the same time.
I’d love to know what advice you have for your younger self. =)
I just came across this precious article!!! I totally agree with you in all of the mentioned points. I wish I could have learn those great lessons when I was younger and HEALTHY. I am almost forty years old, suffer from Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA), but don’t let my age or my disease get on the way of living my life. It is a totally different way of living but I have learned to embrace, accept and in a positive way to take the challenges that life has brought to my path. I am going to school, building my soap and candles business, enjoying life more and respecting my body and mind like I never thought I would do. In the other hand, I am a better version of myself because of all the events that previously happened. I found your blog and website not so long ago and I want you to know that you have been and ARE one of my biggest sources of inspiration. I remind myself that despite the circumstances and challenges there is life and a beautiful one awaiting for me. Thank you so much for existing!!!
That is amazing – I love that you’re going to school, building your business and loving your life. I’m sorry that you have the pain of RA but it’s great that you don’t let that get in the way of having your best day ever, every day. I am so glad that you are part of the Soap Queen community. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you have a great holiday selling season.
This is such great advice! After being in your keynote address at #HSCG2017 I was inspired and remembered this post and how much I loved it! Just like one other commenter, I am Bullet Pointing these life tips and printing them out to post for my staff. Thank you for your authenticity Anne Marie!
Ah, thank you! It was so fun to attend the conference and really take in the energy from the creativity that was present there. So many soapers stories inspired me with their adversity, creative journeys and the success stories (and in-process success stories!) that were shared. Thank you for reading (and, listening!) =)
I showed this to a dear friend who is always stating he is lonely and has no one in his life, I explained that getting outside of your head and comfort circle is the only way! Thank you!! Love Brambleberry
I’m so glad that you found this useful enough to share with a friend. A great example of reaching out more and not feeling stung by rejection that might help your friend is something that happened to me just this weekend. I really wanted to go on a particular hike in our area. I emailed four people on Tuesday and asked if they could go. No one could commit. I texted three more (different) people on Thursday. No one could commit. So, Saturday, I circled back with everyone to check to make sure that everyone was still out and (yay!) one person was able to commit. So, I got to go on the hike and spend time with a friend. I could have very easily given up after one rejection or, I could have told myself a story about how no one wanted to hang out with me and gone down that mental path. Instead, I tried again and, in doing so, totally won the weekend because I got to spend time in nature, socializing, and getting those endorphins up. Win-win-win =) Thank you for reading, sharing with your friend and commenting.
Thank you, Anne-Marie, for approaching this with honesty and self-love. I think it’s so important to appreciate the journey without chiding yourself for not “getting there” sooner. Also, thank you for your integrity. I am building my business on this principle and I am so thrilled that I have other soap makers to look to for constant inspiration and wisdom. You didn’t have to share this–you could have been competitive and kept this information to yourself–but you did. Thank you. Happy soaping and God bless!
I am so happy that you are building your business based on integrity and being intentional with how you build your business. It is so important for how you do on your business down the road. Business is truly a marathon and how you start it is often how you end up relating to people, doing your business transactions and more. Best of luck on your journey – it sounds like you are on a great path!
As a 20 year old, I approve of this message. (Although I haven’t read any of those food books and the Whole30 thing doesn’t sound too good and I prefer to get my nutrition advice from nutritionfacts.org because scientific studies > everything)
LOL. I love this and I can’t wait to go check out NutritionFacts.org. I love studies and fully recognize that there are studies that say just about anything. =) I hope you remember this post in a decade and put pen to paper to write your 20 year old self an advice/memories note too =) Thank you for reading and commenting.
Wow! Just getting around to reading this today. It was an wonderful article. Number #1 really resonated with me.
Thanks for reading Jocelyn. That one is a difficult one to come to terms with for a lot of people. If it’s not done with love, it can feel judgmental or mean. I look at it as less about judging and more about filling your life with so much good that the less-than-stellar just doesn’t have a place. Thank you for commenting and letting me know you were reading. I love hearing when things resonate =)
I think I should print these out and post in my office/studio. Thank you for sharing. At 27, I’ve heard this all before but have struggled to practice and embrace all these lessons. I hope I can adopt these and be more successful in the future!
Rebecca, that is such a huge compliment. Thank you (!). And yes, it is a struggle to embrace all those lessons at once. Thankfully, there is lots of time to make baby changes and take small steps towards where you want to be in your personal, business and family life. It’s all a work in progress – for all of us! =) Thank you for commenting. I really appreciate knowing that you liked my thoughts on this =)
Reading this article was like a breathe of fresh air. I would have told my younger self to enjoy life a little more. I was very serious in my 20s. Now in my 30s, I ensure I am happy. Sure, the road may be bumpy at times but overall I’m happy. I give less & less time to negatvity, I speak my mind (of course when appropriate) & I still feel that despite what’s going on in the world, even when it doesn’t seem to be the trendy thing, it still pays to be honest, humble & kind to others.
Isn’t it funny how with age truly does come wisdom? I agree with you; I’m much less prone to worry about things that don’t matter and just move on to the next thing now. I was pretty serious in my 20’s but since it helped get me here, I think I’m okay with that. I do love that you have found freedom and confidence in stating your truth / speaking your mind. I think that confidence does come with getting older and having more experience.
I agree with you; honesty, being humble and being kind never go out of style! =)
Thank you for reading and commenting.
A skill I’ve only recently learned is self compassion. This is not about letting yourself off the hook, but about letting go of your failures to make room in your life for your future success. The beauty of it? I can have retroactive compassion for all the times I beat myself up over my mistakes. My younger self could really have used that gentle, self-parenting approach so I’m giving it to myself now. Thank you, Anne-Marie for being such a source of inspiration. I love working for Bramble Berry, and couldn’t ask for a better work family!
It’s funny you mention that one; that is one that I have always struggled with myself. I’ve always had extremely high standards for myself and compassion doesn’t play nicely with that. I like the term you’re giving it, “self-parenting.” It’s something I’m actively working on becoming better at myself and I like the lens you put on it.
Thanks for commenting – and, thank you for working for Bramble Berry. You do a great job at Southy! =)
Is was an amazing post. While all were inspiring, #7 spoke to me. It reinforced the importance of the sacrifice. Thanks Anne-Marie!
Thank you Laurisa! =) I say that to myself almost every morning when I do not want to get up and do stretching and meditation! Haha. That bed is so cozy …
The thing that I really see missing in the media is the actual nuanced story behind the ‘overnight success.’ Usually those people have been working for decades or longer to get to where they are now and have made those long term sacrifices over the long haul.
I’m so glad that one resonated with you. It’s one I preach all the time, especially to myself! =)
A-M,
Thank you sharing your musings & personal insights! You’re younger self, you were so cute & still are! I look forward every weekend to read what you might inspire me next! Looking forward to more! Have a great week!
Oh thank you Cindy. I’m working on my 2016 Goals post and my favorite books post for 2015 right now so those are coming up. I’m so happy that you like my business ramblings and personal musings posts =) Thank you for commenting and letting me know.
Great post! This really resonated with me. My favorites were #5 and #9. I love to read so it doesn’t take much to persuade me to ditch the TV. As I was reading the list, all I could think about were a couple of friends I’d like to share this with.
Thank you for letting me know which your favorites were! =) The ‘Read more than anyone else’ is something one of my mentors, Verne Harnish, says often and it is something that has helped me so much. Being in a Mastermind Group has really pushed me to read books I wouldn’t otherwise pick up (like right now, we’re reading a book called ‘Different’ which is all about marketing and that’s not something I would gravitate towards).
Also, what a huge compliment that you would share this post with friends; thank you!
Seriously, thank you for sharing this. Its great to hear exactly what you need to from someone real. I appreciate you putting it all out there. Very motivating and absolutely great advice. Im glad to hear someone else with this frame of mind. Im glad i read this, I needed it. Thank you.
P.S. Great pics! Love the 90s look! LOL
Ha, I hear you about that 90’s look. I wonder what we’ll think of the 2015 look in 20 years? =)
I’m so glad that you found my thoughts motivating. I really appreciate having a community to share with and talk things out with. The Soap Queen community, and this blog, has been so instrumental to me over the last eight years and I’m just glad to have virtual friends to share them with =)) Here’s to ending the year strong!
Thank you for reading and commenting.
I love reading your stories Anne-Marie. They have so much insight. I love who you are and are still becoming (I can’t wait to hear when you start doing yoga) I think your story on facebook is my favorite. How you decided you wanted to be a role model and to help other women become successful soapers. I am so happy I found you on the internet. You are the one who has paved the way to inspire and help me start my own buisness. If I could give my self advice in my twentys it would be to stand up for myself. Be more outspoken and believe in myself. Because we are important. I can never thank you enough for what I have learned from you.( you make me want to be a better writer also your words and writing are quite captivating.) Sincerely,Kristie
Hi Kristie – I LOVE your advice to your younger self. That is such good and solid advice. I definitely suffered from that a bit in my younger years too – just insecurity over what my place was, and if my opinions mattered.
I am so glad that you have started your own business. I’m humbled and excited that I played any sort of role in that.
And as for yoga, I have tried and tried with that and just find it so painfully slow and difficult but, I did just go to a 3 hour yoga workshop (hip opener workshop of all things) this weekend so you never know! =)
Thank you for reading and commenting.
Thanks for the response, You have to take yoga pics now. Haha!
Awesome stuff for all of us! Thank-you.
And thank YOU for reading and commenting =) I love knowing that there are people reading my musings =))
A-M
Thank you for sharing! Most of them are so true.
So glad that you enjoyed the post; thank you for reading =) Was there one that really resonated with you? A-M
Great post. Especially number 9, I needed that today.
Funny you mention that, I did too! Must be the time of year =) Thank you for reading and commenting. A-M
I think hindsight is always 20/20 and yes, you can help but think about what you could or should have done. However for me and at the time, it felt right, I was accomplishing goals and have no regrets about anything. I am successful and in the process crossed off a lot on life’s too doo list. I am still working on become rich, but not famous!
That’s awesome. I love that you’ve always been goal oriented. That is such a huge step up on life to know what you want and how you’re going to get it and get there. As for getting rich but not being famous, I’m rooting for you =) A-M
A lot of fun to read, and to see all of Anne-Marie’s different looks! It all sounds wonderful and lofty, however I would say that I am opposite of almost all of this in every way. And I’m still a happy worthwhile successful person. So, doing better and trying to be better are great goals, but be yourself and do what makes you happy and feel good, not what someone else says you should be.
Ah yes, all the hair changes were fun weren’t they?
I would love to know your list of advice you would give your 20 year old self. =)
I agree; being yourself and being happy is a great thing to work on and work towards always.
A-M
Awesome article and good advice. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate the support =)
Wonderful article! Great advise – some of which I did when I was 20 too.
I love all the photos of when you were younger…so adorable!
Thank you for sharing it all.
Ah, funny how that works right? The whole “Hey, I did that in my 20s too!” There are so many similarities with ages and stages aren’t there?
The younger-me photos are sure funny to look back on now. It’s funny how styles change isn’t it? One thing hasn’t changed: I still struggle with keeping my desk clean! Haha.
Thank you for reading and commenting.