I recently had a mentoring session with a smart woman named Kay. She had been out of work for a while but had finally landed a job. It was 50% under what she wanted to be paid, but it was a job. The company itself was in disarray; it was a serious mess. After just the first week, she knew she could help them dramatically, but she was not being paid what she thought her help was worth. She asked for my advice — should she go in, take charge, and make a difference even though she was not being paid for it?
Upon more discussion, she had a fear that she would be taken advantage of and that her efforts would not be recognized financially. She worried that the boss would take her gift and leave her at the same financial status. It’s been a long time since I was an employee and I’ve forgotten many of the games that unscrupulous employers play. But ultimately, this is about Kay, not her boss.
We talked it out and yeah, it’s true: he could take her advice and not pay her more. And he might. But how much better will she feel if she’s working up to her full potential? The world doesn’t want people that are hiding under a bushel. It wants people to shine and go forth with their special abilities, talents and energy. The idea that she would hold herself back because she wasn’t being paid enough, and in doing so, limit herself in a tragic manner was so baffling that it took me several days to really absorb. My advice was to stay employed, try to expand her role, and show value to her team. If that value wasn’t being recognized, she could look for another job in the meantime.
Her fear of being taken advantage of was holding her back deeply enough that she deliberately was performing far under her abilities. Forget all this ‘Lean In’ dogma about the system holding us back; she was willing to hold herself back, all by herself. There are things we are all fearful of, stumbling blocks that we have, past wounds that cause us to react in certain ways to situations. Everyone has them. We are all deeply flawed. It is our job as human beings, as entrepreneurs, as citizens to examine the notions keeping us from reaching our full potential and to slowly work to eradicate those flawed notions.
I often have a problem with measuring up, with comparing myself, and finding myself not worthy. It stems from a rough cliquish middle school experience that has never quite left me. It’s funny how things kids said 30-ish years ago still have the power to make me react poorly if I’m not careful.
Kay has the some experience to wound her, someplace, back in her life. She worries about people taking advantage of her. And so, she is choosing to be less than, to not reach for the stars, just in case some straggler on could grab an ankle and ride on her brilliance.
You don’t need to answer me as a public comment (but feel free to if you’re comfortable sharing) but I want you to answer yourself: where do you hold yourself back? What patterns have you learned that have protected you in the past but are hurting you now? How are your beliefs you holding you back?
If you ask yourself these three questions and then commit to writing, long hand, for 30 straight minutes, no interruptions, you’ll be surprised at what answers you get. And knowing is the first part of the battle. Think how free you will feel once you realize what self-limiters you’ve put on yourself without even knowing it.
Just think of how much further you can go once you start blasting through your own mental and psychological barriers. With a clear path and smooth runway, you can run ahead at full speed knowing you have the skills, strength and resources to do what you’ve set your mind to.
Thank you so much for sharing Kay’s story and your inspirational words. I recently started doing M&P after experiencing a bout of depression and I refused to go the pharmaceutical route. I stumbled across some Youtube videos and eventually landed on your website where I ordered the Fall Samples of fragrances and color blocks. I came back today to order base and saw your blog and I’m so glad that I did. After reading it, I sat and wrote for much longer than the recommended 30 minutes and you were right, it was very eye-opening and therapeutic!! I feel even more invigorated than I have in a while since beginning my soaping journey. I have met some wonderful ladies on a Facebook page dedicated to M&P and they share their wonderful talents and tips. It’s amazing to me that they are so open and friendly with their trade secrets 😉 Thanks again and I’ll be back to continue to be inspired by your blog. Take care
This is a great post. I’m currently in a place where I worked to my fullest potential. This is a place which lacks unprofessionalism & treats their employees poorly. I’ve seen some of everything & I’m turning it to a positive. Learn from these negative experiences so better character can be built. I don’t believe in mistreating people no matter what just to try to get ahead. At the end of the day, I have to look at myself in the mirror & deal w/ the choices I have made. I will not allow myself to be taken advantage of either. So until I’m hired elsewhere, I will continue to do my best because that is why I was hired, I just don’t believe in doing extra based on the lack of decent pay, overlooked for promotions or for a place which doesn’t respect its employees. People are dropping like flies, leaving, quitting, or getting fired constantly.
I know the working world isn’t perfect, I’d like to someday have a business which treats their employees well & focuses on customer service quality , I miss this.
Hang in there everyone & thanks Anne Marie.
I just stumbled across this and it really hit home. Anne Marie, you know how I had hit rock bottom both financially and emotionally after a life changing event, and it was a huge struggle to get back on my feet. Well, I just didn’t know if I could keep wholesaling to little shops in town that only wanted a dozen of this or that yet wanted 50% off retail prices and I had given up the lease on my own store because I couldn’t afford to keep it going. I moaned and groaned to myself about the wholesale issue and decided no, they were taking advantage of me, why should I do that? Volume isn’t sufficient. I did keep one shop because the owner had really helped me by paying cash for her orders and she was a great salesperson as well because she loved my products. I worried that although the wholesale cost covered materials, they barely gave me anything on top of that. BUT… A few months later, I’m still getting customers at my local Farmers Market that had initially found my items in her shop and had sought me out for other things. Sales are picking up now and I’m able to get by. I was willing to put some specialty soaps in our museum and one other shop as well, both still insisting that 50% off my retail was the limit they’d pay, and still wanting only a dozen or so bars at a time. Nevertheless, the sales are brisk and it keeps coming back to me as I’m getting more and more recognition again for my creative and unique items. If I had decided that they were paying too little for my work, I’d never have had the exposure; most of my regulars from my shop just thought I was gone and out of business until they began seeing my soaps around the area. It really paid off in the long run.
Thank you SO much for that suggestion! I will definitely do that! I know this is something that I can do because I enjoy it and I am passionate about it! But I let my fears suck the excitement and trust in myself right out of me. My fears talk me out of even trying and I don’t want that to happen this time. 🙂 Thank you so much for your support!
This is such a great post! I experienced a similar situation, where I was far underpaid, and was holding myself back. I felt taken advantage of, and so had slowed my pace and dumbed down my production. I asked for a raise when my yealy review came up, and although I did get one, it was still nowhere near where I wanted to be. After talking the situation over with my husband I decided to just go for it. Holding back didn’t make me feel any better and it didn’t help my employer to see my value. After about 9 more months of really showing my strengths and taking on more responsibilities, I went back and asked for a raise again. Unfortunately, they were unable to pay me what I felt my skills warranted, but aknowledged I had done a good job and that they appreciated my efforts. I recently left and have just started a new job at a much larger company, so there’s more room to grow. Hopefully I’ll have better luck at this new company, but since my starting salary is $800 more a month than my last job, it’s already less financially stressful at home.
Thank you all at Brambleberry, for all the help and support you give to us. You foster creativity in us all!
This was an incredibly powerful article for me to read and I thank you so much for putting it out there!
I just finished a phone interview for a new position and I was fretting that I was too conversational, too happy or too…something.
But then I realized after reading this that my phone interview was entirely me. I already have a great job and sure, this job would be greater, but they have to know me and my special talents and that is what came out in the interview. If I don’t get hired, then we weren’t a good fit. And I will continue to rock out at my current position.
I am too hard on myself sometimes. We all are. We have to be gentle on ourselves and realize that all we can control is how we present ourselves and the rest is out of hands.
I’m gonna relax now and use my lunch break to look at soapy things. That always helps!
Cheers!
Ooooh, how exciting! I hope that the interview goes to the next phase =) I can tell you that when I’m interviewing on the phone, it’s mostly about ‘fit’ and making sure that the resume experience matches the answers on the phone. =)
I think you have a great attitude about it! If you don’t get hired, it means that your future is freed up to find your perfect job – and if you do get hired, maybe this is your perfect job! =)
It’s so easy to be gentle with my friends. It’s way less easy to be easy on my self. I am blessed to have an amazing team at work and one of them is always lecturing me to not be so negative in my self-talk. It’s something that I think almost everyone struggles with, men and women but women especially — since we’re told we can have it all, should have it all and it should look and feel easy and effortless to do it all. Phew! That’s a tall order! =)
Keep me posted on if that job comes through – and meantime, keep rockin’ it where you’re at to lay the foundation for your best future.
Great article! My biggest fear has always been talking to people, I have been a shy person my whole life, never wanting to be the center of attention, always worrying about what others think of me. I know it’s irrational, and I am working on this problem. Hehe it’s kind of hard to live under a rock when you have 5 kids that want to go to parties and hangout with their friends. Another fear is failing, what if my soap dosent sell, what if go to sell at a farmers market or craft fair and no one buys? I’m still working on that one. I know others like my soap, my husband sells a lot of it at work, but still there’s this little voice in my head saying you’re not going to succeed. It’s a hard one to squash. Thank you for great articles like this one that helps us see what is holding us back, keep them coming.
Oh that is a definite fear – and one that my husband had issues with. When he took over his company as CEO though, that was something he had to fix. So, he joined ‘Toastmasters’ and that helped a MASSIVE amount. It’s every week on Tuesday night and I’ve seen a change for sure.
Fear of failing is natural and normal. I think it’s something everyone thinks about and worries about. The good news is that it sounds like your husband is extremely supportive (selling your soap at his work). Surround yourself with cheerleaders who believe in you, even when you don’t, so they can give you a pep talk when you need it =)
Thanks for popping in to share your thoughts.
Fear. Fear of time. Fear that I may not be measuring up.
I have fear of time a lot! Where am I going to find the time to get this done? Honestly, this should not matter to me at all because it is not like anyone is going to know that I had planned to try something new today and Lilly had a million things she was interested in or needed to ask her million questions about when she was a baby. Or another birthday party for one of her stuffed animals. Or a story that she needs to tell. That is the time I can’t get back, so I give it to her without regrets. I just need to stop worrying time!
About measuring up, being in business is quite frightful sometimes. While I am quite proficient in making soap, I am not a natural talent at doing some of the fancy designs. I am great at making designs that are more unique looking though, and I work off of that. But there is the worry that someone is going to look at it and think something I made is the ugliest thing ever. Has that happened? No! Everyone tells me they love what I am doing, what I made is cool looking or beautiful. See how we hold ourselves back?
Thinking about it right now, I am damn well measuring up. I make my own soap recipes, and my soaps feel great on the skin! I had bought your lotion kit as a start in making lotion, looked at the book, and formulated my own lotion recipes as well. Hands down, the best lotion I have ever had on my skin. So there!
And honestly, fear of measuring up is a BIG woman problem. Why do we do this?!!!
Hi Stacey!
I love what you said – you are measuring up! Having that confidence can really help you get where you need to be.
Thank you so much for sharing. 🙂
-Kelsey with Bramble Berry
Oh that is such a good question. I think we all push ourselves (generalizing all women, I guess) so hard and really don’t give ourselves a break. I see it with my friends. I see it with myself. I see it in how we judge other women.
But yes, being in business an putting yourself out there can be scary and it does take a great big dose of courage — it doesn’t matter who it is. Even the most successful woman or business owner feels the fear. Quite frankly, when you quit feeling the fear is when ego and hubris take over and nothing goes well after that! =)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts; I completely identify.
What a great blog! Fear is something I really struggle with. When I soap, I love it! And I get excited about the possibility that maybe I could turn this into a business and actually do something I love for a living. But then fears creep in and my mind shines a spotlight on all of my fears and doubts, “Who would ever buy soap from you?”, “You are not a salesman, it makes you uncomfortable so there is no way you could actually sell something.”, “Its too hard to start a business.”, What if you end up owing the IRS instead of ever making money?”, “You don’t have time to handle running to the post office to ship things, how you even know what to charge for shipping anyway?”
These are just some of the fears that jump up in my mind and hold me back from reaching for greatness. Your blog a week or two ago that said “Run toward something Great” was such an inspiration to me because I think we all can get stuck in a rut sometimes with looking at what is wrong, in our job, in our relationships. And just instead of finding a way to fix it, we just stay where we are. So I love the concept of running toward something great!
Hi Tammy!
Thank you so much for sharing your fears – it’s very brave!
I think by writing them down it may help you face them and work on starting an awesome small business. 🙂
-Kelsey with Bramble Berry
If you have any of those thoughts, definitely consider getting the Jack Canfield book “The Success Principles” and going through and doing all the exercises in the book (except maybe the party exercise – I still haven’t done that one). You’ll be amazed at how it helps you change your own psychology. I’ve done the book through at least 3 times in the last 20 years and find new nuances every time. =)
Wow, I really loved this post and I can’t tell you enough how much it is what I needed right at this moment in my life.
Hi Natalie!
I’m so glad you liked it! It means a lot to us here. 🙂
-Kelsey with Bramble Berry
Thank you Natalie! I’m so glad to read this =) It’s so great to be able to put thoughts to paper and know that one person found value.
Thank you so much for letting me know. It’s great to have a place to put my thoughts to (eh hem) paper and know that at least one person found value =)